Thursday, October 1, 2020

Quick Update - October 1st, 2020

Hard to believe it has been five months since my last post. I didn't mean for this to happen, but the world kind of went to shit. So we've been home, staying home - as we should - and I think to say that we have felt "drained" is a bit lacking. 


Mental states, creativity, energy levels, motivation - they've all been in a constant state of flux (to say the least) - so it's been hard to get back here. 


The country feels more divided than ever, we can't see anyone, we're stressed and tired and frustrated - it's just... well, it's not great. 


I found a good glossary online of terms, so I might go through it and start posting my own rantings about the terms. That could be fun... stay tuned for more posts, hopefully on a schedule! 😅

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Dear Michael - 9 Years After

Sometimes I feel like I didn't really know you. I think most of that comes from the fact that we were so far apart in age. Eight years doesn't seem like a long time but you spent much of my younger life not living at home, which made it even stranger when you came back into my life during my high school years. I had always known that I had another brother, but you were always like a dream I couldn't really remember and the harder I tried, the more you faded. 

Then, as suddenly as you had left when I was a child, you came back. You were living at home, and hiding in the basement. I wonder sometimes - was it shame? Regret? What kept you down there? When did it start? I offhandedly wonder what Mom and Dad could have done differently in your life that would have helped you, and yet also struggle with the idea that we make our own fate - so how much of it was your own fault?

Strangely, there are also times where I feel like I knew you better than anyone on this planet did. You wanted me to see you, so badly, over and over. I did - but I was young. As the years have passed I think I have come to see you even more, in retrospect, in memories. I remember long nights with you, sometimes talking - sometimes not. I was never sure what to say to you in those late night/early morning moments when you would let your brain wander. I could see it - when you'd leave me - focused and yet unfocused, still kicking ass at Tempest, thinking about everything and nothing. Was it the drugs? Or did you just do that sometimes? I know I do, so it's not hard to understand. 

Some days I think of you a lot, other days less - and some not at all. I feel no shame in admitting that, I have had to make my own life for years now - and that takes a lot of work. Some people are on an easier path than others, some of us have to forge our own path in the jungle with a machete. I used to think some people were just lucky, but most of them just make it look easy. 

You would be 38 now, and we would be making fun of the oldest for being 40 - I'm sure of it. Would we text everyday? Probably. I like to imagine that you would have found or made yourself a stable living, maybe not married but at least in your own apartment - with a Nintendo Switch and a PS4 and we would play games together. I think you would love playing Uno with us late at night, laughing and cursing along with us. Then I realize that was never your fate, as much as I don't really believe in it. You were tormented, as they say. You had so much inside of you all the time, raging seas that would never calm. Did the drugs make it better, or just let you escape for awhile?

My grief is the worst when I think about things you have missed or will miss - not necessarily when I think about you no longer existing. The pop culture and technology advancements that you would have loved - seeing Marvel movies with me the day they came out, talking about and sharing comics that we like, watching E3 streams and getting hyped about upcoming games. These are the times I think of you. When there's something I want to tell you, or get excited about with you. There are moments where it *hits* me - like the announcements for new video games (or reboots of old ones we used to play) and VR technology. I remember playing games with you and it just washes over me like a wave. "He would love this."

I think we would talk more now than we did when I was younger. It was so hard to keep up with school, my own journey, our crazy home life, and your needs - all at once. We could have deeper conversations now, I think. I don't know what you would have said to my transition, but considering how you took every other confession I ever told you, I think we would have been more than fine. You probably would have tried to fight people daily for me, which in itself shouldn't be as comforting as it is. The thought makes me smile, though, so I'll keep it. 

Apparently that was all I wanted to say, so I'll end it here. 

 Thinking of you, bro <3

Friday, May 1, 2020

A New Home and COVID Takeover

**Fair warning - this post has been queued since March - sooooo..... oops!**

FROM MARCH:
Let me start by saying that we loved our apartment here in Vegas. Yes, past tense. We loved the location, the neighborhood, the space, the staff at the complex - everything. Until... the people upstairs moved in. It became a nightmare.

So, ahead of our planned schedule - we have rented a house! It's huge, and wonderful, and I regret nothing about having to pay to term the apartment lease early. It has a backyard, and a lemon tree, and double ovens in the kitchen, and I am absolutely in love with it.

Dad came to help us move - which was amazing because it would NOT have gone as smoothly nor had been as fun without him here to help. He was here for 8 days and not only did he help us move, he also got (not one, but) TWO tattoos while he was here. He went from zero to two in the matter of one weekend. It was pretty cool to be there with him while it was being done - and he seems elated with his choices, so overall I think it was a great trip for him. Bella also loved getting minimum three walks a day, of course.

Also, I have officially joined the local Search and Rescue team, and have been going to training classes at least twice per week (usually more) to try and get all of my requirements for the SAR Tech II test in May.

So, needless to say it has been an exciting few months!

I've been using the 5 year journal that my Mom got me for Christmas, so I'm practicing my journaling. I tend to just write about my day and what I did instead of my thoughts or anything like that, so that might be interesting to try and see where it goes.



FROM MAY:
Wow, I really thought that I had published this. OOPS!

So it's been a bit since I was supposed to post this, and COVID has taken over the planet. We're all at home, doing nothing, and creativity has left me for a few weeks. It's back a bit today, so I wrote a post this morning that I'll post on Tuesday, for Michael. It just kindof came out of me - so that was interesting.

The house is amazing, we are SO HAPPY that we're not stuck at home with people above us, and Bella loves it here, thankfully. Mostly the upstairs, but she still loves it.

Due to COVID, my SAR Tech II test is not happening tomorrow, and likely won't be until the Fall. So besides that, it's been just hanging out and playing Animal Crossing (which as taken over our lives in the best way).

I'll try to write more for here, and as always questions or suggestions of topics to cover would be welcomed with open (virtual or 6 feet apart) arms!