Expression at it's finest

Interestingly enough, there is something that I have heard more than once as of late - about people's first impressions of me (post-transition) and I find it extremely interesting.

It turns out that people who meet me without seeing (or my mentioning) Sarah, assume that I'm a gay man. On a certain level, it makes complete sense. There is something about me (my presentation and my expression) that people cannot put their finger on. Women feel strangely comfortable around me, and men... just don't get me. From a sociological standpoint, it's fascinating. I always knew that it was happening, but I couldn't truly explain it. I still can't say it exactly right, but a term that someone suggested is pretty damn close... they stated that it's most likely because I am "emotionally available". Men aren't the best at handling that type of feeling directed towards them, and women wonder if I'm gay because they sense that I'm not going to try and hit on them, and in no way am I a potential threat. Something women are constantly having to deal with - some men who are sexually driven assholes. I don't fit that mold, and it throws people off.

I love to see people struggle internally trying to figure out what category to put me in, and it's satisfying to know that some guys actually hate me for it. Without really knowing why they hate me (which is honestly the best part). I've had men ask me why I'm so comfortable around women, and I had to fight not to laugh. I answered "because I see them as no different than men, and I'm not thinking about what they look like naked when I talk to them".  Which is what a lot of men do. Not all, I'm not generalizing here - but I'm probably one of the only guys in the bar not trying to hit on someone, and I think women sense that. Many times I have saved a woman from unwanted contact on a dance floor, while all of the other men in the room have no idea why that woman will stick with me the rest of the night - or even realize that she was uncomfortable on the dance floor in the first place.

Some men are so dumb.

Not to say I'm completely straight, because I'm not. I don't think I could form a sexual relationship with another man, but emotional connections can be just as strong (if not stronger) and it's not untrue to say that I could fall in love with another man. It just doesn't necessarily mean I want to get down and dirty with him. I have loved men before, and there are men that I love now. A fact which has no bearing on my loving and committed relationship with Sarah (and she knows that).

Maybe one of these days I'll let someone think that I'm gay for as long as I can, just so I can study their face when I finally break it to them that I've been in a relationship with a woman for almost eight years. Cruel? Probably. BUT IT'S FOR SCIENCE!!


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Since it's been so long since I last posted, here's a simple recipe as a bonus:

Brown Sugar Cookies

2 Cups AP Flour
1 tsp baking soda
1.5 tsp cornstarch
1/2 tsp cinnamon (I also add a bit of nutmeg)
1/4 tsp Salt
3/4 cup butter
1.25 Cup DARK brown sugar
1 egg
2 tsp vanilla

Preheat oven to 325 F
Melt butter in saucepan (don't let it boil)
Add brown sugar to saucepan with butter and mix (whisking is better) until combined
Whisk in egg with brown sugar/butter mixture, then vanilla
Mix all dry in large bowl, whisking to get rid of flour lumps
Pour wet into dry and mix with wooden spoon until combined
Spoon onto parchment paper covered cookie sheets (they don't spread much during baking when using dark brown sugar, but using light brown sugar means they'll spread more on the pans)

Bake ~10 minutes until JUST golden brown

Human Relations Day - Achievement Unlocked

Yesterday was Human Relations Day at Lynbrook High School, and I presented during six different class periods containing three to four classes per session. I'm sure I spoke to at least 100 students as well as their teachers and a few other staff members. It was such an amazing experience to go back to the high school that I graduated from and see how different the school environment has become. I'm not talking about the new TV screens in the Auditorium (but seriously those are pretty sweet), I'm talking about the kids. I'm talking about the presence of mature students that are willing to learn about those who are different than themselves.

I have many positive memories growing up in Lynbrook, but that doesn't mean it was always a very accepting and nurturing place for anyone outside the norm of 'plays sports and is religious in some way'. I am so proud that the community came together for our panel two weeks ago (Link: covered by, and on the front page of, our local newspaper), and that I was invited into the school to teach about the LGBTQ+ community as well as share my personal story. I was not only intrigued by the questions that followed my presentation, but happily surprised at how many kids said "thank you" either after the presentation itself or when they saw me in the hallways.

Later in the day, I encountered two students talking to a teacher about something from my presentation about transgender people and sex assigned at birth, and it was amazing to hear students talking about it. Many of them seemed genuinely interested, and to know that I got through to so many of them is such an incredible feeling.

A very heartfelt and special thank you goes out to Mary Kirby, Robyn Raleigh, and Laurie Mitchell at LHS for reaching out to me and allowing me to be involved with this marvelous program. Can't wait for next year!

Panel Success!

Wednesday night was amazing! Not only did a good amount of people show up, but it felt like people really wanted to be there - and for Lynbrook that's a huge step in the right direction. The questions seemed to flow nicely, everyone on the panel was respectful and although we went on for a bit longer than we had anticipated, it all worked out really well.

I'm so proud to be involved with this, and I really hope it catches on and maybe we can end up doing more of these. The kids were so excited to be able to sit up there and look out to parents and community members and teach them something. I'm sure many people got lost pretty quickly as we went through the LGBTQQIAA+ acronym and vocabulary, but there really wasn't a point where I felt like we completely lost the audience as a whole. Having the Rabbi and Deacon there I think was a fantastic benefit and really added something to the night. It was interesting and reassuring to hear them not only talk about religion in a positive light when it comes to the LGBTQ+ community, but to hear some personal stories and experiences from them I think truly got through to the attendees (Lynbrook is a pretty religious town as a whole).

I'm so thankful to have been apart of this whole process, and really want to thank the kids, Laurie, and Robyn for all of the work that they did to make this happen. It was such an inspiring experience.

I also got to meet and talk to someone at Pride for Youth and I'm hoping to get involved with them in some way. We'll see what happens.

January 27th cannot come fast enough...

An event that has been 10 years in the making is finally happening, and I get to be a part of it. To say that I am excited does not do my feelings justice.

I am so proud of how far my hometown has come in the last 10 years. Not only do they have a fully functional and thriving GSA club (which we did NOT), they will now be hosting an event for the community based on LGBTQA+ issues and information. Myself, along with other individuals from the community (including parents, a Rabbi, a priest, and members of the GSA) will be conducting a panel not only to inform the community of LGBTQA+ matters but also to answer anonymous questions about these matters.

I am thrilled to be a part of this, and cannot wait to see where it goes and how it ripples out to not only Lynbrook but other towns as well. These kids are so inspiring and honestly much stronger and prouder than I was in high school. I admire their courage, and tenacity. They are so ready for the world to know who they are and to deal with it - ready or not.


It took a long time for me to feel the same way, and now I get to be that person that I needed when I was their age. I hope this is the first panel of many to come, and it will lead to bigger and better things.



"If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree." -Jim Rohn

Making my own path.

A few months ago I was invited to host a workshop at LICAC (a yearly conference for Guidance Counselors on Long Island) about my story and LGBTQ youth. It was a fantastic experience, and I got to share my story and teach others about pronouns, the need for school groups like GSA, and why gender neutral bathrooms should be in schools. I made business cards for the event, and handed them out at the end of the workshop.

Not only did people love my presentation, but I also heard stories about their schools and issues they are having with paperwork for college applications, etc. I even got a note from one woman thanking me for being brave enough to share my story, and that one of her children is gender non-conforming and of course she loves them and supports them and loves that things are changing for the better. That is the reason I do this. For people who need to know that they are not alone, and that their kids are going to be okay. That they can make it and have a normal life just like anyone else. I want to help create a world that is accepting and equal and supportive.

I'm now working on how to do more of these events, and even turn it into my career. There is something to be said when I don't get bored of something - and I continue to learn and grow and stay passionate about something. This is it right now in my life. I want to educate and fight for these kids who need a voice that can reach administration and boards of education and PTA meetings. They need someone to walk into a room full of school administrators and tell them what "gender non-conforming" or "transgender" means, and why it's important that they cater to these kids, and what they can do to help them feel comfortable and safe in schools, where they often spend more time than at home.

I have a few more events coming up, and I'm excited to see how much of an interest there is for information like this, although I've already had a few people tell me that I can turn this into a real job since my timing is right. Legislation was just enacted recently regarding transgender students, and schools (and parents I'm sure) have questions, some of them personal, and they need someone they can trust to answer honestly.

So I'm interested to see where this goes... I guess we'll find out.

Small victories.

There is something refreshing about NOT being recognized. Don't get me wrong, I never intend on keeping my identity, my life, and my journey a secret. But the look on people's faces when they don't recognize me, is priceless. I'm not making fun, I'm not judging or offended like "how could they not know it's me", I'm just excited to think that with technology and science at the levels that they are, it's possible.

Some trans* people are DESPERATE to pass. They want to change their body image, move far away, and never speak about their past life. And that's okay. If that is what will make them happy, then they should be able to go for it. And it's exciting that people have the opportunity to do that - very successfully. It's reassuring to know that it's an option at all.

I never take my passing for granted. Maybe it's because it's still new, but to this day I get excited when a stranger says 'sir', or if I get a head nod fro another guy. That's still exciting. Maybe it'll wear off, maybe not. But for now, I'll fucking take it as much as I can get it.

On a side note: I have rediscovered my love for TED talks. Here are some of my favorites.

I based my senior paper in high school on this

The octopus gets me every time

This will amaze me until the end of time


And last but NOT EVEN CLOSE to least...
 the closest demonstration of how my brain works that has ever been recorded. (to my knowledge)

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There are some days that I have at least a hundred ideas of something to write about. Or draw. Or create. And almost none of them last longer than a few seconds. I know that I should write them down more, just a quick note for later, but I never do. Maybe carrying around a backpack with a pad would help.... although it might seem rude mid conversation to stop talking, reach into my backpack, jot something down and then forget what we were talking about.....

Until next time!

What's In a Name?

It's official! My name AND my gender marker have been legally changed by the state of New York as well as the Social Security Administration! (Insert confetti)

Now I just have to change it with the DMV next week and then everywhere else that is still using my old name. Hopefully it doesn't take me 4 hours in there to get it done. (Insert laugh track)

I didn't think that it would be so important to me to have the M on my license instead of the F. I mean who really looks at that anyway? They usually just check DOB - but surprisingly I'm really excited about it. I suppose it became more exciting once the SSA passed the policy that no longer required surgery to be a pre-requisite to changing your gender marker. Once they allowed a letter to do the trick I think my excitement started growing from there.

It used to be necessary to have full gender reassignment surgery before a marker could be changed in their system, and now I walked in with a letter from the surgeon and (although there was a bit of debate at the office) all was changed right there.

It's astonishing to think that things are changing so drastically in such a short amount of time. Now that the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage nationwide - we can start working on trans issues and trans rights going forward. I can tell you this, it is a very exciting time to be alive and I can't wait to tell my kids all about how much better it is for them growing up than it was for us just a few years ago.

Things are happening!

It has, admittedly, been too long since I've posted. Two months is too long!

I have been meaning to post since this new opportunity had presented itself but I didn't want to count my chickens...

I was brought into contact with someone who is now identifying as trans* and he had some questions for me about being trans, and surgery, and hormones - so I wrote him a letter. He wrote 5 questions, I wrote 6 pages of personal experience as well as factual information to answer his questions.

My favorite question was "can I wear guys' underwear?" To which I said, "OF COURSE YOU CAN LET'S GO SHOPPING!"

This letter was passed to him through a third party, who read it and shared it among their peers - who then got back into contact with me.

I am now booked for 2 workshops at a conference out east in November! I am beyond excited about this, and have already started putting it together using - of course - some posts from the blog as well as other inspirations.

I have also been contacted about perhaps doing a Q&A Panel for parents at the high school so that any concerns or questions they have can be addressed and perhaps answered.

So maybe I should be looking into how to make this a career path because not only is this something I have experience with, but I am passionate about it and I LOVE teaching others about myself as well as sharing other information I know about Gender and Sexuality in general.

I can't wait to see where this goes...

An invisible fear...

There is a fear that exists inside of me, which only applies to new people that I meet.

The ones who know me as Aidan only, and don't have a clue about "Aileen".

I get worried that as soon as they find out about my past, and that I used to be a woman, they will no longer truly see me as a man.

Obviously the next question to myself is, how much does that bother me?

I'm torn. Every trans person has a decision to make. Wear it like a badge of honor? Or hide from it and pretend the past never happened? The latter is much harder to do without moving away and leaving behind all of your past.

I'm proud of who I am, but sometimes I just want to pass and not have to explain it all to someone I just met. I will always explain it to a friend, but to someone who is a "friend of a friend" and just met me at an event and immediately starts questioning me and my life choices and when did I know and how did I know and what makes me tick, etc? I don't want to deal with that shit. I honestly don't. I'm fine with explaining myself to someone who I know, and who I've gotten to know - but someone I'm never going to talk to again, I'm not sure if it's worth it.

I will tell people in my own time and I will be a complete open book but if you just met me 5 minutes ago but you've heard about me, I don't want you asking about what surgeries I have planned and how am I going to have kids. As much as I'm excited to teach people about myself and what I'm doing and about others like me, believe it or not I have boundaries too.

That being said, I'm not mad at you about today and this post is not because of you I have been meaning to write it for awhile - you know who you are. I really have wanted to tell you for awhile but the timing never felt right and I really would rather tell people in person. It just seems more personal that way instead of in a group chat. Anyway, I'm glad you know. It's a weight off of my chest honestly. <3 <3 ;-) :-*

Roots.

Sometimes Lynbrook is enough for me. And I can imagine truly building a life here.

Sometimes.

However, most of the time it's not where I see myself in five years. I want room. And mountains. I want to be more than a hundred feet from my neighbors. I want a riding lawn mower to be necessary, with long sunsets and mild winters and horses within a ten minute drive from my house so I can ride again. And cowboy hats, and boots, and half chaps.

I want to see stars at night. And fireflies pulsing in July as far as you can see like one big radioactive cloth draped over the fields. Early mornings and cool nights on a front porch. A general store.

Let's be honest. I love what most people deem as "crappy" weather, too. I could be happy somewhere that it rains most of the year, or is defined as "gloomy".

But the idea of living where I've been my whole life so far seems pretty boring. If I'm bored now, I can't imagine how I'll feel in 10 years.

So to sum it all up, I don't think I want to live in NY.

Is this state a HUGE part of my life? Of course it is. I've spent what could be called a quarter of my life here. I was raised here, I love it here. But some days I want more. More than traffic and flat land and cookie cutter houses. It seems that the more time goes by the more of those days I'm having.

I miss Colorado.