POST SURGERY! The best kind of pain.

Of course I feel different, excited, free, and full of anticipation of what my chest is ACTUALLY going to look like in a few months. Right now it's just bound up like any other day just like the past four years so it hasn't truly hit me yet. Although those few minutes a day that I can take off the binders and let my body chill and breathe are pretty exciting.

My tits are gone.

Holy shit.

Some minuscule part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just because that's always how it's been for me. Something great happens - and then - the world says 'oh wait just kidding here's something to wipe you off solid ground and fuck with all your happy shit'. Logically, I know that my chest will never be the way it was. I just function better under pressure and anxiety - so now that the main cause of my anxiety since 2011 is gone, it's like my body doesn't know what it's supposed to be doing.

Don't worry, the excitement wipes all of this off the table. I just have to re-learn how to adjust to this new level of (lack of, honestly) anxiety.

So, who's hitting the beach with me this summer? ;-)

Realistic Goal:




 (who's bringing the whip and cherries? :-P )

Because, let's be serious, no one but movie stars and personal trainers have 5 hours a day (and the willpower to eat chicken and rice and beans 4x a day and a protein shake for dessert) to work out to look like this:




Seriously, I'm excited to do push ups without tits in my face. Well, my OWN tits anyway.

Running is going to be so different.
Swimming is going to be so different.
Summer is going to be so different. (and so much cooler without so many layers)
Changing in the men's locker room at the gym is going to be so different. 
Everything is going to be so different.
Fuck this is really exciting, you guys. 

Here's to a quick and healthy recovery! :-)

Here's to Donny Osmond.

They made a man out of me.

"Just be yourself."

My Dad has always told me to be myself. He would say it to me all the time - in conversation, when talking about other people, when telling me never to hate anyone. It seemed as natural for him to say that as it did for him to say "good morning" or "how was your day". It just flowed from his mouth with a smile and I know that he meant well by saying it.

The problem was, growing up, I didn't know who I was. I had no idea. I was always labeled as the youngest of my family, the golden child, the tomboy, the little girl, the swimmer - I could go on. I was constantly put into groups and labeled until I just became the person I was described as. I never figured out who I was, who I wanted to be.

Now that I'm finally doing what I think is right, and figuring all of this out - my body isn't sure how to handle it. I've always done things for other people. I had to be better than Matt and Mike, I had to clear the family name by not fucking things up, I had to be good and clean and smart and 'don't spit because that's unladylike'.

I feel like every time I tried to be myself as a kid I was told to do something else, when I showed discomfort or dislike towards something - it was done anyway. So I learned very early to just keep my mouth shut and go with it. Telling myself things like 'just be who they want you to be, do what they want you to do, don't make them upset - give people what they want regardless of how it makes you feel, don't make them mad it'll only make it worse' until eventually I became numb to all of it. I was numb to my own feelings - which sounds so strange and yet it fits.

I may have declared who I was a few years ago as transgender, but I'm finally coming to learn who I really am as a person. I'm re-learning feelings, and right and wrong because I've come to realize that right and wrong in society vs right and wrong inside myself are two very different things - and that's okay. I need to keep telling myself that it's okay to feel this way or that way - and not to change my mind based on what other people want or think.

This is very difficult, and it hurts - physically and emotionally - and I'm stressed over it, and it's exhausting. But I have to do this. I have to live my life the way I want to because no one else can make me happy - that's my job. So it's time to step up to the plate - and do this my way, and just hope that I can handle the shit that comes with that. I'm not good at this, but I'm working on it.

I will get better, and it will get easier - but going through it really sucks.

What a day today has been...

WOW! Two blog posts in ONE DAY! LUCKY YOU! ;-)

This is going to be difficult, please know that I am typing on a very small bluetooth keyboard and there may be some typos that I will miss. That being said, today has been emotionally exhausting.

Started off fine, and now it seeems like the blows haven't stopped. Shitty day at work to put it nicely, and then I head over to my parent's after work. To drop off sweaters. That I got them from work. Looking back that was not my best idea. I don't think I should go over there when I'm in a good mood.

Mom wants to come with us for my surgery. She says I've been excluding her. When honestly, I haven't been actively including anyone in any of this. Not in any kind of negative way - just because it's my life and my choices and I have learned over the last 2 years that not everyone is going to be openly supportive of me and I need to do this regardless of who is with me or not. Again, not in a negative way. But if most of the time when we talk about my transition we end up fighting, how am I supposed to assume that you're supportive of me?

I am really, honestly trying to figure out how this is making me feel - and I don't know. She got defensive, and sad, and pulled the guilt card, and I have no idea how to handle any of this. The real question is: is it too little too late? I really don't know.

New year, new me?

First of all, Happy New Year everyone! Truthfully, I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions (even though I make them sometimes). I don't think that anyone should wait to make changes that could better themselves, although it just happens to line up nicely that my surgery is this month. Holy shit can you believe it? I'm excited! 20 days!

Anyway, as much as I don't believe in waiting for January 1st to change your life, the new year does inevitably bring about thoughts of change and the future.

Some people my age (or some at any age, I'm sure) would rather think about anything else besides having kids. I find myself thinking about it a lot lately, I'm not sure why - and not in a negative way. I am so excited to have kids, but of course this brings up some other things that (according to society) should be done first. Such as but not limited to; get married and buy a house (something society and I agree on - shocking) before having kids. I'm not saying I look down on those who don't go about life this way, if it works for them that's great. It's just that personally, I want to go in that order - just my opinion.

I'm not worried about our future, but I do want to plan for it better than some other people have. I don't want to be those people who don't plan anything and then buy a house later in life and are still paying it off when they're too old to work anymore. I know it may sound a bit dramatic, but I don't mean it to be. I just want to have a plan, that's all. Nothing too specific - because we cannot predict the future by any means and something could happen that puts us back in our plans - and we have to be able to roll with that.

And if my family is still giving me shit about my transition that's their problem. I don't have time for that anymore. I'm tired of wasting my breath, so if they call me Aileen and use female pronouns - fine. Even though it still hurts when they do it, I'm letting it go because they'll figure it out or they won't. And when I do have a family, and a house, they don't have to be a part of that life if they cannot get their shit together. It's been over two years. I'm done wasting my time on it.

I guess what I'm trying to say (and failing miserably) is that I'm ready. I'm ready for what's ahead, to do what I have to do in order to be happy - and that's a big step for me. I'm ready to work any job to pay the bills so we can get a house, and have a family. I'm ready to put myself and Sarah first and figure out our shit before I stop to help someone else with theirs. I'm a good person, and a good friend, but it's my turn now.

The Countdown...and Happy Holidays

Time seems to be going quickly now, which is good. I haven't thought about surgery deeply since it was scheduled and I think that's a good thing - it seems to make time pass easier. That's probably why I haven't posted either. The more excited I get about it and time spent thinking about it just slows everything down.

But surgery is a month from yesterday, so on January 22nd I will be having it done. First thing in the morning, Of course I'm excited; I'm just trying not the think about it too much.

         *          *          *

Holidays are here, and if I had to pick a favorite, I think Christmas would be right behind St. Patrick's Day. Just because of the food, honestly.

We used to have a big breakfast at my house when I lived with my parents. There was a schedule. Wake up, open presents, go to church (this stopped happening eventually), come home and cook, and have breakfast. But it wasn't just a "oh this is nice and quiet breakfast with the family". It was a "the neighbors and Nana are coming too" and it would become this buffet of food and family and friends and it was nice. I mean, that's how it felt when I was kid - so of course I'm going to latch onto that.

Then we would head to Uncle Mike's, and I would get to see all of my cousins. I haven't seen them in over a year. But we're already doing 2-3 houses on Christmas Day. It would be too much to have to stop at another house. Plus I'm still trying to give everyone time to deal with my life changes, and it's apparent that some people need more time - so I'm giving them space.

I love the holidays, but something about this time of year also makes me sad. Not in a "crying myself to sleep" sad, just a longing for something more. I suppose it has to do with the promise of a new year coming as well - something to look forward to, the idea that this year will be different. In my case, that's true. The idea of finally doing something I have wanted for so long is very...well it's split. It is definitely exciting, hopeful, and will be on some level - vindicating. On the other side, it is overwhelming to think that this weight (literally and figuratively) will be lifted from me.

This weight (the figurative half) has been here forever, I just never knew what it was called. I never had a name for it - it's just been sitting there. Over the years I got used to it, I knew it's ups and downs, I could keep an eye on it and maybe even lessen it to an extent but it was never fully gone. To tell the truth I don't know if it will ever truly be gone, but maybe this will help. I'm hopeful that it will.

I suppose we will find out.


Happy Holidays everyone!

High and Low - To and Fro

Every once in awhile, I get in a mood. It's not easy to explain - and there's usually a trigger. I've been told that I'm manic/depressive as well as OCD so I can obsess over certain things. When I'm up I'm way up and when I'm down I'm way down. It's made more sense over the years, but the frustrating part is not knowing how long it's going to last. I could be down for a few hours, a few days, or even a few weeks. The up-times are manageable - as you could imagine it's easier to be up than down (even if it can be more annoying for the people around me) but I suppose I've gotten better at figuring out why it's started at least.

It's important to know what the triggers are not only for those that can be fully avoided, but also for preparing for things/situations that you cannot.

I have previously mentioned my desire to work in the comics industry. Preferably Marvel as I have always been more of a fan of Marvel comics vs DC. Now this may get a bit hard to explain - so stick with me.

I have always felt, since I was very young, that I am supposed to do something big while I'm alive. Something huge. Something more. I have never known, and still don't, what exactly it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I have thought about it my entire life and my gut feeling is, I'll know it when I see it. Which is an optimistic way of saying I have no fucking clue.

I don't like feeling small - despite the fact that I've always been that way. Not only the youngest child but the shortest, and it doesn't help when you have people around you constantly bearing down on you mentally as well as physically.

So now to tie it all together.

These Marvel movies, this Marvel movement - is changing the world. Literally. The power and influence it is having over people's lives is astonishing. I love it and hate it so much at the same time I feel like I could be torn in half. (Insert gif of Ultron sneak peak - Chris Evans breaking a log in half - here)

I love it because one of the things I care about most is coming to life right before my eyes. I'm learning more and more everyday about the Marvel Universe but this (Ultron, Ragnarok, Civil War, etc.) are things that I know and it makes me indescribably excited to see them brought to life before my eyes. I turn into a kid again, wondering what will happen next because I know the comics but what if they do something different? What will they change?!

I hate it because it can feel like a slap in the face. Like there's so much happening around me (this can apply to many other life situations) and I'm just here. Living day to day - same routine - which can feel very insignificant with world changing events happening around me. So I start to feel small, and unimportant, and pathetic. The cycle begins with being upset about Marvel, and moves onto "seriously what am I doing with my life? I cannot be a Shipping Supervisor forever", and then onto "shut up you're fine you have plenty of time stop being so bummed about this, just be excited you can live it while it's happening", to then being actually mad at myself for being upset over something that seems so trivial and ends with me wondering what the meaning of life is - and what's my part and will I do anything significant while I'm here?

Exhausting, isn't it?

Then I remember that I have a good life going. A life that could become a great one if I play my cards right. It's going to be okay. I can do this.....

......right?

The Waiting Game...

As I'm sure most of you have deduced, no news is good news when it comes to me. The consult in MA went well and all of the documents and pictures that the Dr. has was sent to insurance and is pending for approval. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks so I'll start calling and bothering them about it. Asking when it'll be approved, and is it done yet, and how long until it will be done?

Once you start bothering them enough they just push shit through.

Other than that, if it IS approved, it will cost LESS much than we thought it would, which is great. So hopefully by my birthday I'll be up and moving for my birthday party tradition of Medieval Times!

Only time will tell.

No Room For Doubt

Not a single day goes by that I do not think about this surgery. About finally being able to breathe easier (literally and figuratively) and not having to make myself physically uncomfortable in order to be emotionally comfortable. To be able to go for a run without having to put on layer of clothing, or go swimming without having to wear a shirt over a binder tank that I'm pretending is a bathing suit, or not be nervous about which shirts hide my chest better. It's going to be over - the time is upon us.

I have a consult with Dr. Melissa Johnson in Springfield, MA on Monday to discuss procedure, costs, and dates. I will present her with all of the information necessary to be sent along with her letter and documents to the insurance company, and we will wait to see if I fulfill all of the check marks necessary for the insurance to cover the chest reconstruction surgery. I will be paying for the lipo of the abs and hips myself out of pocket. But by getting it all done in one shot, the insurance will cover the anesthesia. 

I cannot express in words how excited I am for this. It's not even necessarily excitement as much as it is a huge sigh of relief. I thought this expense was going to take YEARS to save up for. Many FtM trans guys I know  had to save for years to do it. I was terrified that I would never make it - and be forced to live my life hating the way that I looked and felt. Every day I would compare every single expense to Chest Reconstruction (Top) surgery. Candy bar or top surgery? Copay at the doctor or top surgery? New sneakers or top surgery? It was exhausting, as well as extremely overwhelming. 

Now with the help of (my lovely amazing girlfriend of over 6 years - as you all probably know by now) Sarah, other friends and family support, and having a steady job - the end is in sight. It's going to be tough, of course, but it's going to happen. I'm going to be happy. I'm finally going to know what it feels like to be happy and content with how I look. A completely new feeling to me, and I have no idea what to expect. The idea of looking into a mirror and feeling anything but dissatisfaction is alien to me. 

That said, I'm extremely excited to move on with my life and be happy!

Monday we drive to Massachusetts! 

Selfish plug to my GoFundMe Page! 

PLEASE DONATE AND/OR SHARE TO HELP ME REACH MY DREAM!

Personally made "Thank You"s to all who donate! 

Summertime Sadness

The summer is a tricky time for people in the Trans community. With all of the pool parties, trips to the beach, and tanning sessions - there's a lot of pressure to wear a bathing suit. Some of us hate our bodies as it is, and/or can't find something we're comfortable wearing especially in public. So Saturday was a family BBQ and as dumb as it may sound, I felt left out when all of the guys just stripped their shirts and hung out in the hot tub. It's hard to explain what it's like to someone who's not going through it (as most things in life are). So when I was bummed about it, and tried to explain it - it never came out right. One one hand, I'm upset I couldn't just join them. On the other hand, it shouldn't bother me because some people don't like pools/hot tubs at all and wouldn't have gone in anyway. Also, it seemed as if the only one feeling uncomfortable or awkward in the whole situation was me. So I just kept thinking to myself that if things go as planned, I could be joining them shirtless in the hot tub next summer. Won't that be nice and awkward for everyone! =D Can't wait to see the looks on their faces. It'll be priceless.

As I was saying, plans are moving with surgery. I should be getting the letter from my therapist today to send to the insurance company and surgeon's office, and as soon as that is approved I can schedule a consult with the surgeon in MA that I want to use - and then schedule a date. It's very exciting and I can honestly say that I am not nervous about it at all. I mean, I'm nervous about the surgery itself, which is fine - but not the reason why I'm doing it. I remember when it was a debate in my head if I was ready for this type of surgery and now, I just can't wait to get my tits off. Seriously, it's every day I wake up and think how nice it's going to be to get that weight off my chest. ( That was for you, Finny <3 )

Now to just take my time with the right steps going forward and hopefully the surgery will be taking place early 2015! Wish me luck!

Just as a plug - if you want to donate to my fund here's the link to me GoFundMe page - CLICK HERE

So feel free to check it out and donate if you want! Personal thank you's to anyone who donates no matter the amount!