Relearning Basic Skills

Taking a Leak:

I wish it wasn't such an ordeal to pee. I won't go into detail, but yes I can pee standing up. And it's awesome, but my body is not at all used to it. And it's even harder when public bathrooms have been terrifying for quite some time now. Never feeling right in the women's room, and never being allowed in the men's room. Now, finally in the men's room, and the pee anxiety that has always been present is now in overdrive.

It's frustrating. I just want to take a piss.



Getting Dressed:

I wish it wasn't such an ordeal to get dressed. Whether an FtM trans person is wrapping, binding, wearing two+ bras, or wearing a full binder shirt (I suggest the Underworks 998 model, I love it), it's a process to get dressed in the morning. Add humid heat and what used to take 2 minutes to put clothes on could now become almost 10 minutes. And breathing in humid heat is already difficult, now with chest compression? And did I mention that I have asthma? It's exhausting.

Now imagine your body fighting foreign hormones on the inside - which involves hot flashes and sweating - and clothes can get very uncomfortable very fast.




So keep in mind of your trans friends, because I'm sure MtF trans persons also have these issues, I'm just giving my side of it. This is not meant to generalize in any way. But seriously, when we complain about it being hot, keep in mind we may be wearing more than two layers even when it's 85 degrees out.

And maybe buy us a bottle of water.
Seriously they're like a dollar.
You can spare a dollar.

Work is working and home is suffocating.

Well it seems to be working out just fine. Everyone is working on pronouns, the men's bathroom is being used, and there are stupid boy jokes left and right. I'm getting better at the job itself, and figuring out where things are and who to go to with what issues. Room for growth, raises, overtime, things like that.

My parents still have not mentioned hormones at all. Or my transition. And my brother is an extremely irritating pothead with no respect for other people unless it directly affects him. I'm so sick of living at home.

I have a packet from PFLAG called "Our Transgender Children" and considering it's bothering me how much of a point everyone at home is making lately to address me as a girl, I might just leave it in the bathroom for people to read. Because it's actually killing me more now that all day I can be Aidan and use the men's room, and then I come home and it's all "she" and "daughter" and "good girl" left and right. I'm going out of my mind here.

Hopefully this job will get me enough income to get an apartment by the end of the year, because I have to get out of here. ASAP.

Pronoun Pride

Today was my first day at the new job! It was awesome. Everyone is nice, and seemingly non-judgemental.

The pronouns are the hard part. And the bathroom issue, but that's always a given. I managed to sneak in today when no one was in there, and as long as I don't get the shit beaten out of me - no pun intended - then we're good.

So as long as we can get the pronouns right, we're good to go. I was told today that I am officially the first transgender to work in the office, and I think it's going to be a great opportunity to teach people and help people be a little more understanding. Maybe I'm over optimistic, but I guess we'll find out. I had to correct a few people today but they all took it in stride and readjusted pretty quickly.

The office section I work in is all men, and they're ball busters, and it's fucking fantastic. They're loud, don't give a fuck who hears them, and didn't even miss a beat with me in the room. It's reassuring.

The work is tedious, but not hard, and from the looks of it - mostly sitting as a computer. And maybe I'm excited about that. Is that a bad thing? To be going from a (already and it's early in the year) blazing hot kitchen, to a temperature controlled office, sounds great. Not to mention the fact that I'm NOT standing on my feet all day, just some of it, sounds great. Now I just have to make sure I get a solid running in the morning routine so the office work doesn't affect my weight gain.

So my first day went great. And I got the code for the men's room.

Win? I think so.

Take your time.

So I'm hoping (if it's not already happening) that other transgenders will be reading this blog. It's my hope that I not only teach my friends who read the blog, but also anyone who gets referred here or even just stumbles upon it. So this is a teaching entry.

Today was my second self-injected shot of testosterone, and my fourth shot overall. Two weeks ago when I did my first self injection, I went too fast. I was excited, and that's expected, but it clouded my vision when it came to the injection process.

First, flex the muscle a bit before injection. My friend suggested it and it seems to help. I have only injected in my leg, but I'm assuming it will help in any other muscle injection sites.

Secondly and seriously, take your time. Push a bit, and pause-take a breath, then keep going. Don't rush it. And make sure you don't hit a vein because it will hurt like a bitch. In Sarah's parent's house, in the bathroom, there's a red heating lamp and I like to use that to check where my veins are, and mentally mark the spot on my leg where I can inject and not hit a vein. I know not everyone has a heating lamp, but do the best you can.

Another hint of advice - pull your skin to the side and then inject, holding the skin while injecting, then remove the needle and let the skin slide back again. This will help if the injection site seems to ooze a bit after injection.

And lastly, don't overdo it. I know this sounds like common sense, but some people just assume that more testosterone, or injecting more often, will cause faster results. This is NOT TRUE. Too much testosterone will not help, it's just a waste. After a certain amount of testosterone is in the female body, it can be changed into estrogen. So more testosterone can actually hurt your efforts in hormone replacement therapy. The point is to become more masculine, and having more estrogen in your body is NOT going to help you.

So always trust your doctor, and seriously listen to them. Trying to cheat and get ahead could hinder you.

This is a huge life decision, and not something to be taken lightly. So the process matters.

Pay attention. Do it right. Make it count.

When people have your back...

My family still has not spoken of the hormones, or my transition, or anything - really. My parents were in Italy for the past week and it was nice to not worry about being home for dinner, or awkward phone conversations, or feeling bad about sitting in my room and watching TV.

But this past weekend was....spectacular. Sarah and I went upstate to spend time with friends, and it was a great stress reliever. These people really support me, use the right name and pronouns, and it's not awkward. It's fun, and boosts my self-confidence, and it's fantastic.

So all in all, I had a great week and an even better weekend.

Just wanted to update from the anger and frustration in my last post.

Carry on.

Yes I have thought about this.

Why does everyone assume that taking hormones is a decision I have made overnight? Like one day I woke up and said, "I'm going to start hormones today" and then did it. As if this is not something that I have been thinking about for years now. As if I have not felt like a male stuck in this body forever. As if I'm acting on a whim. 

News flash. I know what the fuck I'm doing with my life. 

I emailed my grandfather and his lady friend, informing them of what is happening in my life. And of course, they're not supportive. But I think I would have rather them have said something alone the lines of, "we don't support this" and that be the end of it. But of course not, it can't be that easy. 

Please tell me how decisions I make now will affect the rest of my life, as if I don't know that. 
Please tell me that I may be discriminated against, or not welcome. 
Please tell me that I may be the object of "very mean jokes".

I am 23 years old. I am an adult. I have already been living my life. I have been discriminated against. I have been verbally abused, I have almost been physically assaulted because of who I am. Who I have always been. I have been the butt of many jokes that I have heard, and I'm sure multitudes more that I have not. And I have to live with that. I have to live every single day with people staring, judging, glaring at me. Every single day knowing that what people see is not how I feel inside. Every single day knowing that this is not what I want to look like, and almost every single person that I come in contact with will use the wrong pronoun, and the wrong name. 

Every. Single. Day.

So please do not try and tell me that my life will be hard. I think I know better than you do. 

As far as what people think of me: if they don't like me, that's fine. I couldn't care less. Because I have a great support system of friends and extended family members. I honestly do not care how society sees me. 

I will marry Sarah. And we will have children, and I will be "Daddy". I will never be Mommy. We will live wherever we want, have whatever jobs we want, and live happily as husband and wife.

And that is the thought that gets me through every single day of discrimination, jokes, looks, wrong pronouns, and judgement. The thought that I have Sarah. She loves me exactly the way that I am, and supports me in everything that I do. Just as I do for her. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how lucky I am, and grateful, and happy. I have never been so happy. 

That has to mean I'm doing something right, doesn't it?

Sharing the news: Friends vs Family

I don't know why telling family is harder than telling friends. Maybe it's because friends are of the same generation, and we've grown up with the same influences, and times are a'changin. Maybe it's because sometimes we feel closer to our friends than our family, so sharing something doesn't seem as intimidating because we can guess how our friends will react easier than our parents or family.

I'm sticking with the latter. I feel like I know my friends better than my family. I think it's because I have spent more time around my friends, and honestly communicating with my friends. I wonder if that statement should make me sad, but it doesn't.

Maybe we're a freak family, but we never talk about anything. We don't have real conversations about how our day went, what we think about society, or how we feel since Michael died. We just don't talk.

I'm too aquarius for that. I need to talk through my feelings, or they build up inside of me, and eventually I just break down. It's happened a few times now. I've learned from it.

So I had no idea what was going to happen when I told my family. Especially my parents. My brother and I haven't talked about me, or what's going on in my life. Surprise. (Sarcasm, read above about the lack of communication). My Aunt and I haven't spoken about it either, and who knew that my mother would be more upset than my dad? I was convinced that he was going to be more upset than he's shown. But it seemed to work the other way around. These hormones aren't going to change my personality, I'll still be me. I just hope that they can see that. If they can't, and still refuse to support me, I won't want them in my life.

My friends? Supportive, accepting, loving, non-judgemental, concerned that I'm doing the right thing but overall happy as long as I am, checking in on my progress, asking questions, interested, helping me through this.

My family? Silent.

And yeah, it hurts.

Second Shot and Sharing with Nana

Today was my second shot of hormones, and I did it myself. I am now cleared to start self injecting. It's exciting, and I'm confident that I can handle it. I got a sharps container, and prescriptions for more T and syringes. So we'll see how that goes...

I told my grandma (nana) about Sarah and my relationship, and that I'm trans. She basically told me that she knew about Sarah and I (I mean it's pretty damn obvious) and that I should do what makes me happy and other people will either get over or not. It was good to let her know. She's said multiple times that with all 17 of us cousins, she sometimes feels out of the loop, and I don't want to put her in that position.

She said Sarah and I are always welcome for lunch or tea.


Sarah and I are heading to Colorado next week for my pastry school graduation, and I think it's going to be great. I can't wait to see everyone again and to tell everyone that I started hormones. I miss it there, and I miss everyone calling me Aidan and using male pronouns. Everyone was so accepting, and nonjudgmental, and...awesome. So it's gonna be great to get back there and catch up with the pastry class.

Here's hoping it goes well. 

Seriously, it's hot in here.

So I'm not sure if it's a side effect of the hormones, or just me, but I have been running hot lately. Hot flashes, and generally just hotter than usual. I'm going to keep an eye on it, but I just wanted to throw it out there.

Anyway, it's been a week since my first shot of testosterone and I don't feel any differently (not that I really expected to). I'm taking a relaxing day today and staying at Sarah's house playing ACII and job hunting. I already called a bunch of places as well as sent emails.

I'm worried about job hunting. How are they going to feel when my resume says Aileen "Aidan" Kircheim, and then I show up. Of course they're going to use to wrong pronouns, and of course I'm going to have to explain to them what's going on. And it's not that I'm worried about talking about it, because clearly, I'm not. Ask me anything and I'll answer it - completely open book. But it's that face that some people make that looks to me like 'okay I hear you but I still can't really comprehend this' and what comes out of their mouth is, 'Thanks for coming by, have a great day', which really means 'sorry but I'm sure I can find someone else'. It's generally not fair that someone might not hire me because I'm trans but it's not like I can prove it. And I know that a lot of us who aren't exactly passing, or haven't changed our names yet, have this problem. I just wish it didn't happen as often as it does.

So ultimately I'm worried about finding an employer who understands, accepts, and tolerates me as an employee. And the truth is, Long Island is not the best place for tolerant people. We like to pretend that we're all about equality, and understanding of people who live outside social norms, but it's really not like that at all. People are prejudiced, people are racist (and not the funny Avenue Q way either. Nasty racist) and it's unavoidable here. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are a lot of places that are the same, as well as worse than Long Island, when it comes to racism and discrimination. What I'm saying is, Long Island is where I am now in my life, and I have to deal with it.

So I guess we'll just see what happens, and roll with the punches.

Damn I should go back to kickboxing.

The truth is, I was terrified.

One step closer.

To happiness.
To self respect.
To passing.
To becoming a man.

Yesterday was my first shot of testosterone. I cannot believe it. Not in the "oh it all happened so fast I can't believe it" kind of way, I mean actually cannot believe it. Three years of looking forward to this experience. Three years of waiting, wishing, hoping, anxiousness, self-hatred, nervousness, and then in less than 2 minutes it's done. And afterwards, my fear and doubt starting to run wild. What if this isn't what I want? What if my parents never understand? What if Sarah changes her mind about supporting me when I start going through puberty all over again?

Fear.

Of rejection.
Of not following through.
Of losing what I love.
Of being a burden to others.

No matter that 99% of my insides have been telling me for years that this is what I want, and to be excited, and I can do this, I let the 1% of me take over. I let it run me for almost a quarter of an hour. I think it's healthy that I still have that doubt. And I'm going to take some time getting past that 1%, but I can do it. I will do it.

Anyone who says they're not scared before their first treatment of hormones, is full of shit. It doesn't make you any less of a "man" to be afraid. It makes you human. It's going to be okay. Talk about your fear. Whether it's with a therapist, a good friend, or anonymous in a forum online. If you don't talk about it, and figure out where it is stemming from, you will NEVER get past it. This isn't a fear of spiders that can be overcome by just facing it and getting past it. This is a process that will take time, tears, and serious self reflection. But it's worth it.

Some people have asked me how I know that I'm trans, or what makes me want to go through with hormone therapy, or am I sure this is what I want. So I'm going to explain through the story of someone I met in Albany. Though her name escapes me now, her story will stay with me forever. We'll call her Jill.

Jill was born a man, and knew since she was very little that her sex was incorrect to her gender. Jill is (at the time I met her) in her mid 40s. She has never, never, told her family about being trans. She has lived two lives for her entire existence. During the week she is Jack, and works at an accounting office from 9-5, like an average man. On weeknights and weekends, however, she becomes Jill. She puts on a wig, fake nails, a dress, some heels, some makeup, and heads out as what feels more real to her than a check from her job in her hand. She explained this to me, and what I remember most was her eyes as she told me. They were not only filled with fear that her parents would find out, but with sadness. Sadness that she could never be herself full time. Sadness that she may never find a partner who understands her, and will support her in her life. She feared that her job would fire her, that her family would not accept her, and she would completely alone in the universe.

I never want to do that to myself. I never want to hide who I am. And hearing her story made me realize that that was exactly what I was doing. I was lying not only to myself, but to everyone I loved. So now I have vowed to change that. So I am ready to venture into the unknown, to do something I have never done (and that list is pretty short), and to take it in stride.

It's time to discover the diamond in the rough.