There are going to be times in life when you doubt yourself. I'm not talking about 'what kind of haircut should I get' or 'what outfit should I wear tonight', I'm talking real doubt. Like 'should I quit my awful job if I don't have anything else lined up', or 'should I move my whole family to a new state' (or even country), or those people who leave someone they thought they wanted to spend the rest of their life with at the altar.
Or - 'can I really make it through this transition'.
These are life-changing decisions here, people. But that doesn't mean that we should lose our shit over it. You have to know that as hard as it's going to get, it will be worth it. It gets better. We can't let people stop us, or even slow us down. The hardest things in life are the ones we work for, and some things are going to be even harder than others. I thought growing up alone was going to be hard, now I'm completely changing my life. And no matter what anyone thinks, or says, or does - I'm going to fucking do this.
I have enough people in my life who love me and support me, losing a few isn't going to be the end of the world.
It may be harder if they're family, but they're still just eggs.
And I want a fucking omelette.
Monday, July 29, 2013
So Saturday night there was a graduation party for my cousin, Pat. And the more the night went on, the more I was getting more pissed about hearing people say "good girl" or "hey girlie" or call me "Aileen". I was fed up, and sick of it, and when I got home I posted a status on facebook that essentially was 'coming out' for me. Sortof a, hey everybody I'm calling it official now - if you're not cool with it then unfriend me and that's fine, no hard feelings - kindof thing.
I didn't tell my parents at the time for 2 reasons, and neither will be probably what you're thinking.
1. It was literally almost 1am, and everyone was sleeping.
2. It's none of my parent's business what I post on Facebook, and honestly if they want to check they can because Mom and I are friends. (Dad can't work the computer-or even really technology- at all, let alone social networking.) I can post or not post whatever I want on Facebook. I wasn't hurting anyone, I wasn't bullying, I wasn't talking shit about anything - I was posting information, about myself, that is factual.
Sunday evening I get a text from Sarah saying that her mother is freaking out, yelling at her, about my facebook status that she heard about through the grape vine. I'm not even going to get into how mad that made me. Sarah had no idea I was even posting it, do not yell at her for something that I did. You want to be mad, be mad at me, not her. Anyway, it made me think that maybe I should tell Mom, just as a courtesy to let her know what was going on and what I did. But again, by this time, it was late and everyone was in bed.
So this morning, I send her a text message. Let me make something clear here - I do not see text messaging as a way of 'backing out' or any less form of communication than talking when it comes to informing someone of something like, I posted on facebook about me being trans, but not about Sarah and my relationship yet. So just assume that everyone now knows about me. That is not any different than me telling you in person. Break ups, coming out to your parents, long deep conversations-not made for texting. But this? This was NOTHING LIKE THAT. Needless to say, I get no answer from her, and my day goes on.
She picks me up from work, which was great because I had already had a rough day, and the whole ride home is silence. I know she's pissed now, but honestly I was going to wait for her to start.
We make it all the way home, into the kitchen, and then it starts.... (my favorite lines are in white, please excuse any typos in advance)
* * *
me: Thanks for picking me up
her: thanks for the FUCKING text message. what was that?
me: I wanted to let you know. I didn't want to call you I was at work
her: And that's what I rate? a fucking text message? that's it? I'm your mother.
me: I was at work.
her: when did you post it?
me: Saturday night after the party.
her: I was home all day with you yesterday. A fucking text message? you have got to be kidding me. You know what? you are incredibly selfish and self centered. You know what? no. Fuck you. The whole thing, Aileen, okay? The whole thing.
me: What whole thing?
her: Everything. all of it. the whole-the whole way you're handling this is selfish and self-centered and you're like fuck everybody else. You have NO compassion. You have no compassion for anybody. you have no sensibilities towards anybody else's feelings. You don't really give a shit. Everybody's supposed to be considerate of you, and accepting of you but you have NO compassion for anyone. You're rude about it, you're insensitive. You're-
me: How was I rude?
her: No. And you know what, you're gonna be miserable anyway, so it doesn't matter.
me: And why is that?
her: Because you're never happy. you're never happy with whatever is here for you, whatever you have, you have never been. You have always been a grass is greener person, you're always looking at the other side, wanting what's over there. Or wanting what you can't have, or wanting the friends that you can't be friends with, or the people who don't want to hang around with you-
me: What makes you say that? I don't know where you're getting all of this. I really don't. 'cause I am happy.
her: No. You're not gonna be happy. If you this this is gonna make you happy-
me: I am happy. I'm not saying "I'm gonna be", I am.
her: So then that's all that matters. Fuck everybody else, fuck everybody else-
me: I'm already happier than I was. I'm not gonna stop doing what makes me happy.
her: and that's all that matters, is that you're happy. and FUCK everyone else.....you said "I don't give a shit what anybody else says or thinks".
me: When did I say that?
her: you posted it on FB ages ago.... "those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter." SO I guess I don't matter.
me: Dr. Suess? I'm quoting Dr. Suess.
her: And why are you quoting Dr. suess?
me: because there are gonna be people that aren't happy with the way that I live. There are gonna be people everywhere I'm not saying the people I know. I'm saying people I don't know. There are parts of society that are never going to accept what's going on and that's-they don't matter. People who think that gays shouldn't get married. I'm not gonna have them matter in my life, I'm not gonna lose sleep over them. That's what I mean by that quote that's how I take that quote. I'm not gonna let someone else who I've never met, affect me.
her: Really? because It really comes off more like fuck you all.
her: I think you are making the biggest mistake you have ever made. Biggest mistake ever. And I think you're gonna regret it.
me: I don't understand why it's a mistake. Wh-why is this considered a mistake?
her: Because I think you're not being true to yourself.
me: I think you have no idea what you're talking about.
her: Fine, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Then we won't talk about it.
* * *
I want to be able to look back on this - years from now, when I'm happy and have a family and friends that love me, and know that I proved my mother wrong. For years I have been trying to be something that I'm not - for her, for everyone. Now it's my turn. And I'm finally learning who I really am.
If she's not happy with that and can't come to terms with that, then it's going to be her loss, and she'll have to live with it - without me.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Maybe, just maybe, sometimes honesty isn't the best policy. Maybe I just want to be able to lie to myself and say that it's going to be fine, and one day I'll fit in. It seems more and more like that day isn't going to come. And I'm going to be stuck between sexes, and worlds, forever. I know that I'm not going to be seen as "one of the guys" for a long time yet, but that doesn't mean that I want attention drawn to the fact that yes, I still have tits. And yes, I'm still a female in the name of science.
I'm open about what I'm doing to my body. I would rather teach someone about myself than have them wonder in solitude, and judge, and be ignorant. Because even if they're ignorant towards me, maybe I can teach them something for the next trans person they meet. That doesn't mean that jokes about me still being a girl are going to be funny every single time. I can handle ballbusting, but it's starting to actually bother me. Questions I can handle, but some of the jokes just aren't funny.
I really want to be part of the guys, I do. And being told that it's not really going to happen, is true, but discouraging. And it hurt. He pretty much said "well did you really expect to (be part of the guys)?" and damnit, yes. I do expect that. It's not fair that every day I wake up and I'm reminded that my body doesn't match, but to have it rubbed in by people is just starting to break me down. The anger is fading, now I'm just feeling tired. And defeated.
* * *
In other news, Sarah told her parents Sunday night that we're in a relationship. Which is exciting, and apparently went well. So that's great. I'm happy that her dad didn't lose his shit. I mean, I didn't really expect him to, but the word is that his reaction was much better than anticipated. I'm really just glad that it's finally out there and we can talk about it like adults. I hope. Her mom is in emotion overload, which is fine and understandable, but suggested maybe we talk Saturday morning over coffee. I hope we do, it would be nice.
Fuck this shit can get exhausting.