Monday, June 10, 2019

Self-Reflection and NY Trip

Let's get right to the point: I've played it off well in these posts (I think) but I've been struggling with down spirals of depression for some months now. 

I don't know the exact root of the issue. 

It could be because of any of the following reasons:
-I feel stuck at home most days (working remotely has serious pros, but this is major con) 
-I don't eat enough (something I came clean about yesterday to Sarah about)
               I really do not eat enough. I know this. Sometimes I just skip meals because it seems like too much to just go and make food. Which is hard for me to admit because I can clean the entire apartment for upwards of four or more hours without eating or drinking and that is relaxing but somehow making and eating a sandwich seems like a mountain I just cannot climb, so I skip it. This is something that I am working on, and it's going to get better.
-I don't drink enough water (let me go get some... there we go)
-I'm sure that I have some form of ADD and an auditory processing disorder and between making people repeat themselves and (sometimes) debilitating executive dysfunction I feel like I'm a failure and can't just do something - no matter what it is.
-I have pent-up stress and the best action is to work out but my motivation has tanked lately.

You would think that as someone who wants to go into the counseling field I would gone to someone already. I'm not sure exactly what is stopping me. I make so many excuses instead of just doing it (there's that executive dysfunction again), and I think that once we get another car I will feel more inclined to do something about it because I may not feel as stuck as I do now at home every day. 

We shall see.

          *          *          *

One thing that seriously helped me was visiting NY for the past month. I was there from May 7th to June 4th and let me tell you, it was a great reset button. It helped me just chill and self-reflect a bit. I missed Sarah terribly but I was helping some of my best friends with their newborn (my Godson) and it was nice to help and feel needed. It was nice to always have something to do that wasn't the same shit I have been doing for a year, and to have someone else in the house with me all day - and as someone who enjoys doting on other people, it was nice to be able to do things for them and feel like I made a difference in their day. Instead of sitting here feeling useless (even though I don't stop doing shit here, it was just different when it was other people), and lonely.

Now, I have some immediate goals:
-Don't skip a meal for the rest of the month
-Workout at least 2x a week
-Complete my 3 Marvel 5k runs (by August 1st) for the Disney Summer 5k event that I signed up for
-Administer my shot on time for the next 3 shots (I was a few days late this time and I felt it)

We can do this, fam. I know it. We got this.

Thursday, April 25, 2019

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

How did I get here?

My life has turned into something that I did not envision.

I'm living as who I truly want to be, even though 'who I want to be' changes from time to time (and I'm fully okay with that).
I'm separated from the exhausting drama that used to be a daily part of my life in New York.
I have an amazing wife that I love more every time I reflect on our relationship, even when I'm sure I couldn't possibly feel any more love for her. It's the only time that being proven wrong feels uplifting.

While growing up, I never saw myself living past 25. I was sure that it would end, somehow. Either by my own hand or otherwise. I just... couldn't imagine it. Not my wedding, not my spouse, not raising kids, buying a house...nothing.

Now I'm just thankful every single day of my life for what I have. Although there are times that I still struggle with envisioning my future.

Some days, I'm convinced I just got lucky.

Other days, I think about all of the shit that I went through to get here, and I realize that I worked my ass off - and I deserve this.

Today, it doesn't matter how I got here - I'm just overwhelmed with my current happiness.

I'm flying back to NY later this week to be at one of my best friends' baby shower and help paint the kid's room, and I couldn't be more excited.

In this moment, life is pretty damn good. I know that won't be the case at some point - so I wrote this to be able to look back on when I need it.

          *          *          *

"Human spirit is the ability to face the uncertainty of the future with curiosity and optimism... It is a type of confidence. And it is fragile." -Bernard Beckett

Thursday, January 3, 2019

New Year, Same Old

It's been awhile since we've stayed up late enough to see the ball drop in NYC. This year, we made it! Pay no attention to the fact that we are on PST now and it happened at 9pm our time... or the fact that we don't have cable anymore so we didn't even really get to see it happen... but I'm still gonna take that as a win. Needless to say, I was asleep by 11pm local time that night - same as every other night.

No less than 3 people expressed how they "wished they had done that" instead of whatever they did on New Year's Eve after I told them how our night went, and I hope they remember that next year when the night comes. Just stay home and get some damn sleep, we all bust our asses every other day of the year. New Year's Eve is the best reason to just chill and get some extra hours rest. Spoken like a true old man... maybe it's because no matter what day it is, I'm up at 5:30am to feed the dog and let her out. She doesn't know when it's New Year's Day, or a weekend - so maybe I'm just used to it now.

New Year's Day was quiet, I got to play Minecraft and listen to The Adventure Zone - which was glorious. Then we had dinner and watched Brooklyn 99. As far as great days go, it was up there. 

Now the holidays are over, every commercial or ad is for fitness gear or classes, and it's back to normal. Whatever that means. 

It's actually cold here, which a few friends were surprised to hear. It's fantastic. We still haven't turned the heat on, and I don't think we will. We're living in sweatpants and hoodies and snuggling under blankets and it's absolutely everything I have ever wanted - just me, the love of my life, and our dog - 3,000 miles away from family drama. I miss our friends, though. More lately, it seems. Maybe the "moving across the country" high is settling down and I'm really feeling it now. Or maybe it's seasonal. 

I'm a proud person, but not too proud to admit that I miss people. Or that I do still wonder if we'll end up back on the East Coast. It crosses my mind, if I'm honest. And I'm always honest

We love it here, it's really growing on us - but I understand what people say now about staying close to people you know, or family, especially now that one of my best and closest friends is pregnant. How far away do I really want to be from that? Then again, short of moving back over there, anywhere we live will be a plane ride. It's just... it's sad. 

I don't want to end this on a down note, so I will say this: don't stress over resolutions or goals that will be unfulfilled if they take longer than 365 days. Just be good to yourself, whatever that means for you. More baths and face masks, a mini vacation if you can't afford to go on an expensive one, paying for someone else to clean your house every once in awhile, buying that new mattress, learning a new skill or hobby... do things because they make you happy not because you have to complete a checklist this year. 

Screw what everyone else thinks or does, just do what makes you happy.