Tuesday, January 27, 2015

POST SURGERY! The best kind of pain.

Of course I feel different, excited, free, and full of anticipation of what my chest is ACTUALLY going to look like in a few months. Right now it's just bound up like any other day just like the past four years so it hasn't truly hit me yet. Although those few minutes a day that I can take off the binders and let my body chill and breathe are pretty exciting.

My tits are gone.

Holy shit.

Some minuscule part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just because that's always how it's been for me. Something great happens - and then - the world says 'oh wait just kidding here's something to wipe you off solid ground and fuck with all your happy shit'. Logically, I know that my chest will never be the way it was. I just function better under pressure and anxiety - so now that the main cause of my anxiety since 2011 is gone, it's like my body doesn't know what it's supposed to be doing.

Don't worry, the excitement wipes all of this off the table. I just have to re-learn how to adjust to this new level of (lack of, honestly) anxiety.

So, who's hitting the beach with me this summer? ;-)

Realistic Goal:

 (who's bringing the whip and cherries? :-P )

Because, let's be serious, no one but movie stars and personal trainers have 5 hours a day (and the willpower to eat chicken and rice and beans 4x a day and a protein shake for dessert) to work out to look like this:


Seriously, I'm excited to do push ups without tits in my face. Well, my OWN tits anyway.

Running is going to be so different.
Swimming is going to be so different.
Summer is going to be so different. (and so much cooler without so many layers)
Changing in the men's locker room at the gym is going to be so different. 
Everything is going to be so different.
Fuck this is really exciting, you guys. 

Here's to a quick and healthy recovery! :-)

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

"Just be yourself."

My Dad has always told me to be myself. He would say it to me all the time - in conversation, when talking about other people, when telling me never to hate anyone. It seemed as natural for him to say that as it did for him to say "good morning" or "how was your day". It just flowed from his mouth with a smile and I know that he meant well by saying it.

The problem was, growing up, I didn't know who I was. I had no idea. I was always labeled as the youngest of my family, the golden child, the tomboy, the little girl, the swimmer - I could go on. I was constantly put into groups and labeled until I just became the person I was described as. I never figured out who I was, who I wanted to be.

Now that I'm finally doing what I think is right, and figuring all of this out - my body isn't sure how to handle it. I've always done things for other people. I had to be better than Matt and Mike, I had to clear the family name by not fucking things up, I had to be good and clean and smart and 'don't spit because that's unladylike'.

I feel like every time I tried to be myself as a kid I was told to do something else, when I showed discomfort or dislike towards something - it was done anyway. So I learned very early to just keep my mouth shut and go with it. Telling myself things like 'just be who they want you to be, do what they want you to do, don't make them upset - give people what they want regardless of how it makes you feel, don't make them mad it'll only make it worse' until eventually I became numb to all of it. I was numb to my own feelings - which sounds so strange and yet it fits.

I may have declared who I was a few years ago as transgender, but I'm finally coming to learn who I really am as a person. I'm re-learning feelings, and right and wrong because I've come to realize that right and wrong in society vs right and wrong inside myself are two very different things - and that's okay. I need to keep telling myself that it's okay to feel this way or that way - and not to change my mind based on what other people want or think.

This is very difficult, and it hurts - physically and emotionally - and I'm stressed over it, and it's exhausting. But I have to do this. I have to live my life the way I want to because no one else can make me happy - that's my job. So it's time to step up to the plate - and do this my way, and just hope that I can handle the shit that comes with that. I'm not good at this, but I'm working on it.

I will get better, and it will get easier - but going through it really sucks.

Friday, January 2, 2015

What a day today has been...

WOW! Two blog posts in ONE DAY! LUCKY YOU! ;-)

This is going to be difficult, please know that I am typing on a very small bluetooth keyboard and there may be some typos that I will miss. That being said, today has been emotionally exhausting.

Started off fine, and now it seeems like the blows haven't stopped. Shitty day at work to put it nicely, and then I head over to my parent's after work. To drop off sweaters. That I got them from work. Looking back that was not my best idea. I don't think I should go over there when I'm in a good mood.

Mom wants to come with us for my surgery. She says I've been excluding her. When honestly, I haven't been actively including anyone in any of this. Not in any kind of negative way - just because it's my life and my choices and I have learned over the last 2 years that not everyone is going to be openly supportive of me and I need to do this regardless of who is with me or not. Again, not in a negative way. But if most of the time when we talk about my transition we end up fighting, how am I supposed to assume that you're supportive of me?

I am really, honestly trying to figure out how this is making me feel - and I don't know. She got defensive, and sad, and pulled the guilt card, and I have no idea how to handle any of this. The real question is: is it too little too late? I really don't know.

New year, new me?

First of all, Happy New Year everyone! Truthfully, I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions (even though I make them sometimes). I don't think that anyone should wait to make changes that could better themselves, although it just happens to line up nicely that my surgery is this month. Holy shit can you believe it? I'm excited! 20 days!

Anyway, as much as I don't believe in waiting for January 1st to change your life, the new year does inevitably bring about thoughts of change and the future.

Some people my age (or some at any age, I'm sure) would rather think about anything else besides having kids. I find myself thinking about it a lot lately, I'm not sure why - and not in a negative way. I am so excited to have kids, but of course this brings up some other things that (according to society) should be done first. Such as but not limited to; get married and buy a house (something society and I agree on - shocking) before having kids. I'm not saying I look down on those who don't go about life this way, if it works for them that's great. It's just that personally, I want to go in that order - just my opinion.

I'm not worried about our future, but I do want to plan for it better than some other people have. I don't want to be those people who don't plan anything and then buy a house later in life and are still paying it off when they're too old to work anymore. I know it may sound a bit dramatic, but I don't mean it to be. I just want to have a plan, that's all. Nothing too specific - because we cannot predict the future by any means and something could happen that puts us back in our plans - and we have to be able to roll with that.

And if my family is still giving me shit about my transition that's their problem. I don't have time for that anymore. I'm tired of wasting my breath, so if they call me Aileen and use female pronouns - fine. Even though it still hurts when they do it, I'm letting it go because they'll figure it out or they won't. And when I do have a family, and a house, they don't have to be a part of that life if they cannot get their shit together. It's been over two years. I'm done wasting my time on it.

I guess what I'm trying to say (and failing miserably) is that I'm ready. I'm ready for what's ahead, to do what I have to do in order to be happy - and that's a big step for me. I'm ready to work any job to pay the bills so we can get a house, and have a family. I'm ready to put myself and Sarah first and figure out our shit before I stop to help someone else with theirs. I'm a good person, and a good friend, but it's my turn now.