Wednesday, October 29, 2014

High and Low - To and Fro

Every once in awhile, I get in a mood. It's not easy to explain - and there's usually a trigger. I've been told that I'm manic/depressive as well as OCD so I can obsess over certain things. When I'm up I'm way up and when I'm down I'm way down. It's made more sense over the years, but the frustrating part is not knowing how long it's going to last. I could be down for a few hours, a few days, or even a few weeks. The up-times are manageable - as you could imagine it's easier to be up than down (even if it can be more annoying for the people around me) but I suppose I've gotten better at figuring out why it's started at least.

It's important to know what the triggers are not only for those that can be fully avoided, but also for preparing for things/situations that you cannot.

I have previously mentioned my desire to work in the comics industry. Preferably Marvel as I have always been more of a fan of Marvel comics vs DC. Now this may get a bit hard to explain - so stick with me.

I have always felt, since I was very young, that I am supposed to do something big while I'm alive. Something huge. Something more. I have never known, and still don't, what exactly it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I have thought about it my entire life and my gut feeling is, I'll know it when I see it. Which is an optimistic way of saying I have no fucking clue.

I don't like feeling small - despite the fact that I've always been that way. Not only the youngest child but the shortest, and it doesn't help when you have people around you constantly bearing down on you mentally as well as physically.

So now to tie it all together.

These Marvel movies, this Marvel movement - is changing the world. Literally. The power and influence it is having over people's lives is astonishing. I love it and hate it so much at the same time I feel like I could be torn in half. (Insert gif of Ultron sneak peak - Chris Evans breaking a log in half - here)

I love it because one of the things I care about most is coming to life right before my eyes. I'm learning more and more everyday about the Marvel Universe but this (Ultron, Ragnarok, Civil War, etc.) are things that I know and it makes me indescribably excited to see them brought to life before my eyes. I turn into a kid again, wondering what will happen next because I know the comics but what if they do something different? What will they change?!

I hate it because it can feel like a slap in the face. Like there's so much happening around me (this can apply to many other life situations) and I'm just here. Living day to day - same routine - which can feel very insignificant with world changing events happening around me. So I start to feel small, and unimportant, and pathetic. The cycle begins with being upset about Marvel, and moves onto "seriously what am I doing with my life? I cannot be a Shipping Supervisor forever", and then onto "shut up you're fine you have plenty of time stop being so bummed about this, just be excited you can live it while it's happening", to then being actually mad at myself for being upset over something that seems so trivial and ends with me wondering what the meaning of life is - and what's my part and will I do anything significant while I'm here?

Exhausting, isn't it?

Then I remember that I have a good life going. A life that could become a great one if I play my cards right. It's going to be okay. I can do this.....


Sunday, October 5, 2014

The Waiting Game...

As I'm sure most of you have deduced, no news is good news when it comes to me. The consult in MA went well and all of the documents and pictures that the Dr. has was sent to insurance and is pending for approval. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks so I'll start calling and bothering them about it. Asking when it'll be approved, and is it done yet, and how long until it will be done?

Once you start bothering them enough they just push shit through.

Other than that, if it IS approved, it will cost LESS much than we thought it would, which is great. So hopefully by my birthday I'll be up and moving for my birthday party tradition of Medieval Times!

Only time will tell.