Monday, June 10, 2019

Self-Reflection and NY Trip

Let's get right to the point: I've played it off well in these posts (I think) but I've been struggling with down spirals of depression for some months now. 

I don't know the exact root of the issue. 

It could be because of any of the following reasons:
-I feel stuck at home most days (working remotely has serious pros, but this is major con) 
-I don't eat enough (something I came clean about yesterday to Sarah about)
               I really do not eat enough. I know this. Sometimes I just skip meals because it seems like too much to just go and make food. Which is hard for me to admit because I can clean the entire apartment for upwards of four or more hours without eating or drinking and that is relaxing but somehow making and eating a sandwich seems like a mountain I just cannot climb, so I skip it. This is something that I am working on, and it's going to get better.
-I don't drink enough water (let me go get some... there we go)
-I'm sure that I have some form of ADD and an auditory processing disorder and between making people repeat themselves and (sometimes) debilitating executive dysfunction I feel like I'm a failure and can't just do something - no matter what it is.
-I have pent-up stress and the best action is to work out but my motivation has tanked lately.

You would think that as someone who wants to go into the counseling field I would gone to someone already. I'm not sure exactly what is stopping me. I make so many excuses instead of just doing it (there's that executive dysfunction again), and I think that once we get another car I will feel more inclined to do something about it because I may not feel as stuck as I do now at home every day. 

We shall see.

          *          *          *

One thing that seriously helped me was visiting NY for the past month. I was there from May 7th to June 4th and let me tell you, it was a great reset button. It helped me just chill and self-reflect a bit. I missed Sarah terribly but I was helping some of my best friends with their newborn (my Godson) and it was nice to help and feel needed. It was nice to always have something to do that wasn't the same shit I have been doing for a year, and to have someone else in the house with me all day - and as someone who enjoys doting on other people, it was nice to be able to do things for them and feel like I made a difference in their day. Instead of sitting here feeling useless (even though I don't stop doing shit here, it was just different when it was other people), and lonely.

Now, I have some immediate goals:
-Don't skip a meal for the rest of the month
-Workout at least 2x a week
-Complete my 3 Marvel 5k runs (by August 1st) for the Disney Summer 5k event that I signed up for
-Administer my shot on time for the next 3 shots (I was a few days late this time and I felt it)

We can do this, fam. I know it. We got this.