Wednesday, June 25, 2014

"Truth is confirmed by inspection and delay; falsehood by haste and uncertainty." -Tacitus

My dad came to therapy with me last week. Honestly I thought it was a good thing for both of us, mostly for him. I feel that whenever my Dad has been to a therapy session - whether it was with Michael how many years ago, or with me when I was eleven years old and forced to go to therapy because I was very depressed (and now maybe we all realize why) - it has possibly been a negative experience. This session with me was not negative, and maybe it helped him see that the whole family should be in therapy, honestly we should - together (I would love to do that). He voiced his concerns, which were almost all valid, and we talked through them and about them with someone else present which helped the conversation move along. That was last Monday, today is Wednesday, and I went over to see the new cappuccino cups that we had shipped from BB&B. Not only did I have a delicious cappuccino, I also heard from my dad that he sat down and spoke with Mom and Matt one night for over an hour about me. Great! Right? Well....

Apparently they are (I know for a fact this part was my mom) convinced that I am doing this (becoming a man) for Sarah. In the past, my mother has said that she feels like I am "doing this so that Sarah does not have to deal with the fact that she's a lesbian". It is statements like these that not only make me mad, but also make me wonder if anyone knows me at all. I don't believe I am someone who makes decisions easily. I have been told by friends that I think too much, and now I have people wondering if this is really what I want. It makes me realize that my parents do not know me at all - which is sad, really. I feel more pity towards them than anything else - to think that they (this includes Matthew) could assume that I'm naive, and impulsive, and careless. Clearly we all have to sit down and have a conversation and set some things right. Do you honestly think I would be choosing to make these changes to my body if it was not what I truly wanted? This is, and as far as I can tell - will always be, the hardest thing I will ever do. Do people like me do it everyday? Of course. But that doesn't make it any easier for us. We have to be ready to be hated. And feared. And put-down. And beaten up. This is our life. Every single day.

This is not something that is taken lightly. When I realized that I was transgender, (to be cliche) it felt like a huge weight was off of my shoulders. I finally fit into something, and I could BREATHE. I was finally going to feel comfortable with who I was. I wasn't going to hate myself anymore, or be depressed, or feel so terribly wrong in my own body. I hated myself. That was four years ago, and they are claiming that I'm moving too fast, and I should take time to stop and think about if it's what I really want. Just because I'm moving too fast for you does not mean that I have not thought about this. My dad mentioned that it was discussed how maybe I should stop taking the hormones for a few years and really figure out if this is what I want. Because if Sarah and I break up (seriously? Why is everyone expecting us to not work out? It's been 6 years, if you're not used tot it by now you need to get over yourself, there's nothing I can do for you) that I could be left with this change that I may not have really wanted. STOP TELLING ME WHAT I DO OR DO NOT WANT. I seriously need to make it clear that this decision was my own and was not Sarah begging me to become a man for her. I figured this out without anyone coercing me. She was not dragging me to trans meetings in Albany to convince me who I was. I went by choice, by myself, and they were the most amazing meetings I've ever been to. I fit in, I echoed feelings with people who had come out years ago and were fully transitioned and living stealth and passing 24/7. That was where I was meant to be, this is who I am, I am a transgender adult and am fully capable of making my own decisions. Isn't this what parents work for? Someone who can survive on their own? And be strong? And know exactly what they want in life?

When I was a kid - maybe 5 or 6 - I told my father that I felt like I had a hole inside of myself that I couldn't fill. A little kid said that. Please just stop reading for a minute to think about the fact that a five year old said they felt empty inside.

Think about it.

If my kid ever, ever says ANYTHING like that to me I am going to do everything I can to find out what's wrong. I'm not going to tell them to just "go to sleep, I'll make you pancakes in the morning". I'm going to hold them close to me and tell them that I care about them very much, and I love them no matter what, and we're going to find out how to fill that hole. I'm going to be there for them the way my parents should have been.

And guess what? The hole is finally getting smaller.