Sunday, May 3, 2015

An invisible fear...

There is a fear that exists inside of me, which only applies to new people that I meet.

The ones who know me as Aidan only, and don't have a clue about "Aileen".

I get worried that as soon as they find out about my past, and that I used to be a woman, they will no longer truly see me as a man.

Obviously the next question to myself is, how much does that bother me?

I'm torn. Every trans person has a decision to make. Wear it like a badge of honor? Or hide from it and pretend the past never happened? The latter is much harder to do without moving away and leaving behind all of your past.

I'm proud of who I am, but sometimes I just want to pass and not have to explain it all to someone I just met. I will always explain it to a friend, but to someone who is a "friend of a friend" and just met me at an event and immediately starts questioning me and my life choices and when did I know and how did I know and what makes me tick, etc? I don't want to deal with that shit. I honestly don't. I'm fine with explaining myself to someone who I know, and who I've gotten to know - but someone I'm never going to talk to again, I'm not sure if it's worth it.

I will tell people in my own time and I will be a complete open book but if you just met me 5 minutes ago but you've heard about me, I don't want you asking about what surgeries I have planned and how am I going to have kids. As much as I'm excited to teach people about myself and what I'm doing and about others like me, believe it or not I have boundaries too.

That being said, I'm not mad at you about today and this post is not because of you I have been meaning to write it for awhile - you know who you are. I really have wanted to tell you for awhile but the timing never felt right and I really would rather tell people in person. It just seems more personal that way instead of in a group chat. Anyway, I'm glad you know. It's a weight off of my chest honestly. <3 <3 ;-) :-*