My Dad has always told me to be myself. He would say it to me all the time - in conversation, when talking about other people, when telling me never to hate anyone. It seemed as natural for him to say that as it did for him to say "good morning" or "how was your day". It just flowed from his mouth with a smile and I know that he meant well by saying it.
The problem was, growing up, I didn't know who I was. I had no idea. I was always labeled as the youngest of my family, the golden child, the tomboy, the little girl, the swimmer - I could go on. I was constantly put into groups and labeled until I just became the person I was described as. I never figured out who I was, who I wanted to be.
Now that I'm finally doing what I think is right, and figuring all of this out - my body isn't sure how to handle it. I've always done things for other people. I had to be better than Matt and Mike, I had to clear the family name by not fucking things up, I had to be good and clean and smart and 'don't spit because that's unladylike'.
I feel like every time I tried to be myself as a kid I was told to do something else, when I showed discomfort or dislike towards something - it was done anyway. So I learned very early to just keep my mouth shut and go with it. Telling myself things like 'just be who they want you to be, do what they want you to do, don't make them upset - give people what they want regardless of how it makes you feel, don't make them mad it'll only make it worse' until eventually I became numb to all of it. I was numb to my own feelings - which sounds so strange and yet it fits.
I may have declared who I was a few years ago as transgender, but I'm finally coming to learn who I really am as a person. I'm re-learning feelings, and right and wrong because I've come to realize that right and wrong in society vs right and wrong inside myself are two very different things - and that's okay. I need to keep telling myself that it's okay to feel this way or that way - and not to change my mind based on what other people want or think.
This is very difficult, and it hurts - physically and emotionally - and I'm stressed over it, and it's exhausting. But I have to do this. I have to live my life the way I want to because no one else can make me happy - that's my job. So it's time to step up to the plate - and do this my way, and just hope that I can handle the shit that comes with that. I'm not good at this, but I'm working on it.
I will get better, and it will get easier - but going through it really sucks.
